Engaged Marriage has an interesting post on what an extraordinary marriage looks like. Here were some of the reader responses:

I would say being on mission together for something much bigger than yourselves describes an extraordinary marriage. More than likely, almost every couple would say they want that, but most don’t know how or just don’t want to do the work to be extraordinary and end up settling for less.

and

An extraordinary marriage is when both partners seek to serve each other. It’s one where communication is free flowing and each partner is safe to share issues that concern them. It’s a marriage where both partners are quick to forgive. It’s a place where commitment is unswerving. It’s realizing that you always need to be learning more about each other over time.

Engaged Marriage also had the following to say about what an extraordinary marriage looks like…

* It serves as a vivid example of God’s love for His people.
* It takes two people and joins them together with the capacity to do more good than the sum of the individuals.

Read the rest of the post on the Engaged Marriage blog here.

Photo credit: Holding onto Love by D Sharon Pruitt

I recently found an interview from Revive Our Hearts Ministries on avoiding the Grass is Greener syndrome in marriage. The interview also had some really excellent insights from a couple who have been married to each other for over a quarter of a century on how they work on their friendship in marriage. Below are a couple of my favorite excerpts from the interview. These answers are in response to the question, “What are some of the things that both of you started doing in your marriage—choosing to do, actions that you took—that began to restore your heart for each other?”

On learning to understand each other…

…the more I understood about my wife and adapted and respected those differences that God put in her as a woman, the less of those brush fire arguments we had that turned into World War III in 90 seconds that begin to push us away. The more of those things we eliminated, the more the intimacy grew, the more the love grew in our relationship.

On offering mercy to each other…

I think we offered each other mercy when we were trying to change and we slipped up. We didn’t beat each other up over that because we both knew we were trying. I kind of describe it as we were two pendulums swinging back and forth missing each other.

On being rooted in the Bible…

But through working and studying God’s Word, and putting God’s principles into our marriage, eventually we were like two pendulums swinging together. But it took a period of time and hard work and commitment.

On being patient about change…

It took actually years because a lot of the habits that we had established were very difficult to break. But as we saw each other changing, then it gave us courage also to take that step out. Before we were just waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out.

On making a love list for each other…

We decided after learning this through one of the resources that we were going to make a list of five specific, very specific things that she could do to make me feel loved. And she was going to make a list of very specific things that made her feel loved. We switched lists, and I would carry that in my wallet.

Check out the interview in its entirety at the Revive Our Hearts Ministries site over here.

Ray Ortland writes an insightful post on how husbands and wives “breathe life” into each other. He writes,

In the heart of every fallen man is the self-doubt that wonders, “Am I man enough to climb this mountain God has called me to? Can I fulfill my destiny?” A wise wife will understand that question at the center of her husband’s heart. And she will spend her life answering it, communicating to him in various ways…

How are you “breathing life” into your spouse? Read his post in its entirety on his blog here.

Photo credit: D Sharon Pruitt via the Creative Commons Attribution License

I came across the following quote from Nancy Leigh DeMoss‘s book, A Place of Quiet Rest, recently. She writes,

“If we want to grow closer to someone – God or anybody – it means pressing hearts together. Learning how to communicate. Finding joy in each other. Searching out the other’s soul. A strong relationship is the weaving together of many shared experiences, some of which are serendipitous and off-the-cuff, others of which are structured and well-defined. Such things make for intimacy. Disciplining ourselves to spend regular time with someone, even with God, can be regulated, but not the intimacy itself.”

- Nancy Leigh DeMoss, A Place of Quiet Rest

She so beautifully describes what it looks like to pursue a genuine, intimate relationship with a holy and awesome God by describing what intimacy ought to look like in our most beloved friendships. Is this the kind of relationship you have, or want to have, with your spouse? Do you discipline yourselves to spend regular time with each other… or as she writes, “pressing hearts together” and “searching out the other’s soul”?

As with anything else requiring consistency over an extended period of time, this requires a bit of discipline. How are you going to commit to delighting in your spouse?

Desiring God Ministries has a great list of discussion topics for couples considering marriage. If you’re engaged or newly married, this is a great time to discuss these things as well! And if you’ve been married for a while, this is a great time to revisit these topics and see how your answers have changed, or how you have fine tuned them over the years.

I read a really great post on the Think Splendid blog recently about how false praise begets mediocrity. While it was not the main point of her post, Liene mentioned that everyone needs an encourager as well as someone who’s willing to tell them the truth about their life, even when it hurts to hear it. I’m going to extend her point a bit and say that your spouse needs to hear both encouragement as well as honest critique from you on his or her life.

Sometimes it’s easy to point to all the things that are not going well. Even if you’re already addressing those issues graciously, I’d urge you to spend some time thinking about all the areas where your spouse could use your encouragement instead. What are the things that are going well? What are the things that he or she does that you really appreciate and enjoy? Which of his or her characteristics do you particularly cherish?

Then sometimes, it’s easier to not address things (eg. habits, tendencies, decisions, etc.) that aren’t major issues at the moment, but which are headed in a problematic direction. Your spouse needs to hear the truth from you about those things. Everyone has blind spots in their life. Be the person to address these areas for your spouse but remember to do so graciously. At the end of the day, critique is not the goal. Your goal is to benefit your spouse.

Finally, who are the people in your life that you can turn to for encouragement and honesty? Seek those people and look for opportunities to be that for someone else.

One of the most common sources of relational discontent is a lack of meaningful or appropriate communication. This can be a very difficult issue to work through after years of poor habits and emotional baggage. It’s much easier to avoid these kinds of hurdles in a relationship if habits or traditions are formed early on in the marriage.

Here are some things you can keep in mind while doing that:

1. Remember that your spouse can’t read your mind.
Just because you can finish sentences for each other doesn’t mean that your spouse always knows what you’re thinking. So do be direct in communicating things that are important to you – like your expectations, needs, desires, goals, etc. And be purposeful in drawing these things out of your spouse. And when you offend each other, remember that your spouse can’t read your mind.

2. Be a student of your spouse.
Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in our own problems, stresses, plans, and dreams. But it’s important to take time to learn more about our spouse’s thoughts, concerns, and goals too. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard regarding this was one friend’s deliberation to learn something new about his wife every day. I’ll have more suggestions on questions you can ask in posts to come. For now, I’ll just say that you’ll get more out of this daily goal if you put more effort into drawing some some real insights into your your spouse’s mind and heart.

3. Schedule a time to talk about uncomfortable or difficult topics.
Some things are easier to talk about others so it’s easy to default to those easier topics and ignore the other ones. You know which other ones… the ones about your new budget for the year, the ones about your desire to move to relocate to a different state or country, the ones about your issues with your in-laws, or the ones about perceived mismatched priorities. Whatever they are, every couple has these at one point or another. And they have to be addressed. Meanwhile, remember that you don’t have to solve any given problem in one sitting. It’s okay to work through these issues slowly as long as you have a plan for addressing them.

4. Remember that you’re on the same team.
When things happen, it doesn’t matter whose fault it was anymore. This doesn’t mean that your spouse is never wrong or that there’s never a time to address things that need to change. But it does mean that how you address that change matters. A corollary to this point is that you can and should accept responsibility, or take ownership, for personal problems and issues that either of you has. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean taking blame but it does mean that you are truly and actively concerned with finding a solution for the problem. Your spouse’s problems are your problems now.

5. Don’t hold accounts.
This is an extension of #4 above. Holding accounts, or grudges, means that you’ve positioned yourself against your spouse. By definition, you can’t simultaneously hold a grudge and truly be on the same page, working to achieve the same goals. So remember that when you chose to marry your spouse, you made a decision then to be on his or her team.

I should add here that by no means am I claiming to be good at communicating with my husband. That’s a process that I’m always learning… and re-learning about. This is just a few of the things I have found to be helpful in our own communication.

When I was thinking about this post, an idea I saw on Shutter Sisters a while ago on photo love notes kept coming to mind. The idea seemed perfect when I saw it because I love DIY photo projects of all kinds, but it also stuck with me because it was such a great reminder to do something special for my husband on a regular basis. Planning on doing something special for someone is such an important aspect of maintaining any relationship but it’s so easy to forget about this when you’re both busy with work, or when you’re both overwhelmed with all the decisions that need to be made in wedding planning. Maybe photo love notes aren’t going to work for the person you have in mind. That’s okay! There are still countless ways you can do something special for him or her every day. Take time to understand their needs and love languages.

So anyways, I thought I’d just pass on the reminder today to take time to appreciate your spouse, fiance, parent, child, friend, etc. It’s often said that it’s the thought that counts. But your loved ones aren’t mind readers. So take time to let them know that they are appreciated, and that they mean the world to you.

Photo credit // Photo by jessica.garro, used under the Creative Commons Attribution license.

So we’ve talked a bit about Getting Started on Your Wedding Planning and about Setting a Budget For Your Wedding. And these are very important topics. But as far as wedding planning goes, the most important thing you can do right now is to prepare for your marriage. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in all the wedding planning and forget that the wedding planning is about the marriage, not just the wedding.

Here are some questions to help you jump start your planning conversations. The goal is for you to get to know each other even better than you already do – and to get on the same page in terms of how to address some of these issues.

1) What is your common ground?
Relationships are always developed over shared purposes or common interests. So what is the single most important thing that you two share together? Or in other words, what is the basis of your relationship? What is most important to both of you?

2) What do you like about your fiance?
Okay, so this question might seem a little bit silly – given that you’re getting married so there must be tons of things that you like about your fiance, right? But it’s a good idea to go through these things – and maybe even list them out – you’ll be super good at listing all these things now, and it’ll be a great reminder for you to look at this list later.

3) What are your biggest differences?
Everybody’s different – and even though you might have a lot of things in common, you two are no different. So let’s identify these areas. Where are your biggest differences – in terms of priorities, plans for life, goals, desires, etc. – and how do you plan on addressing these differences?

4) What’s the agreement on budgeting, roles, getting stuff done around the house, etc.
Being married means that you start a new life together. That means that not only do you share a life, a name, and a family together, you also share a home, and all the responsibilities of running that home. How do you two plan on taking care of those responsibilities? How are finances going to be taken care of or addressed? Is one of you better with numbers and Excel spreadsheets? Does one of you love to cook? How and when are meals going to happen? Although it’s not likely that things at home are going to look exactly how you envisioned it before you were married, it’s still great to start talking about these things – and hashing out all those expectations now.

5) How do you plan to rest and recreate?
You love hanging out together and you probably love doing this together. But you’ll also need to rest and recreate – both individually and as a couple. How this happens for you probably has a lot to do with your personalities. Extroverts tend to get energized when they’re with other people, while introverts tend to need at least some time by themselves to feel refreshed. Learn what your fiance’s habits and preferences are now, and take time to talk about things you can do together, and things you can do for each other to make sure that both of you get recharged from time to time. This also leads us to our next topic…

6) How much personal space and time will each of you need?
This might seem like a silly question but this is an issue that can come up from time to time, especially if one of you is an introvert, or if one of you needs a lot of dedicated quiet study and/or reflection time. If you need a set amount of concentrated time for work, study, reflection, or something else, make sure discuss this so you can build this into your expectations for your family schedule together.

7) How and when will you hang out with your friends (and family)?
This is very related to #6. The way you spend your time (both personally and with other people) changes a lot when you get married. This necessarily affects even your best relationships. You’ll obviously want to maintain your relationships with your family friends while figuring out all the ins and outs of your new life with your spouse. So talking ahead of time about (and scheduling) time to maintain important relationships is a great idea.

8) What will your home revolve around?
Do you want your home to be a place of rest and refuge, a workspace, a place of hospitality and friends and fun, or something else? You might have very differing ideas about how you want your place structured depending on the purposes you want it to serve, so this is a great time to start discussing your priorities for your home together.

9) What will be the role will your immediate family and in-laws play in your family life?
This is somewhat related to #8 above but also includes a lot more, especially in the area of decision making. What will be your parents’ and in-laws’ influence with regard to your decision making as a couple? And how much are you, as a couple, going to share about issues and things you’ll go through, especially as you transition into a new family in your first year? Talking about this now is a great idea because a lot of these issues often come up quickly, especially with regards to conflict resolution behavior.