Author: Jocelyn Chi (42 Articles)
Jocelyn is the founder and editor of Something Bleu Magazine. She is also a wedding and portrait photographer based out of Houston, TX.
One of the most common sources of relational discontent is a lack of meaningful or appropriate communication. This can be a very difficult issue to work through after years of poor habits and emotional baggage. It’s much easier to avoid these kinds of hurdles in a relationship if habits or traditions are formed early on in the marriage.
Here are some things you can keep in mind while doing that:
1. Remember that your spouse can’t read your mind.
Just because you can finish sentences for each other doesn’t mean that your spouse always knows what you’re thinking. So do be direct in communicating things that are important to you – like your expectations, needs, desires, goals, etc. And be purposeful in drawing these things out of your spouse. And when you offend each other, remember that your spouse can’t read your mind.
2. Be a student of your spouse.
Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in our own problems, stresses, plans, and dreams. But it’s important to take time to learn more about our spouse’s thoughts, concerns, and goals too. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve heard regarding this was one friend’s deliberation to learn something new about his wife every day. I’ll have more suggestions on questions you can ask in posts to come. For now, I’ll just say that you’ll get more out of this daily goal if you put more effort into drawing some some real insights into your your spouse’s mind and heart.
3. Schedule a time to talk about uncomfortable or difficult topics.
Some things are easier to talk about others so it’s easy to default to those easier topics and ignore the other ones. You know which other ones… the ones about your new budget for the year, the ones about your desire to move to relocate to a different state or country, the ones about your issues with your in-laws, or the ones about perceived mismatched priorities. Whatever they are, every couple has these at one point or another. And they have to be addressed. Meanwhile, remember that you don’t have to solve any given problem in one sitting. It’s okay to work through these issues slowly as long as you have a plan for addressing them.
4. Remember that you’re on the same team.
When things happen, it doesn’t matter whose fault it was anymore. This doesn’t mean that your spouse is never wrong or that there’s never a time to address things that need to change. But it does mean that how you address that change matters. A corollary to this point is that you can and should accept responsibility, or take ownership, for personal problems and issues that either of you has. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean taking blame but it does mean that you are truly and actively concerned with finding a solution for the problem. Your spouse’s problems are your problems now.
5. Don’t hold accounts.
This is an extension of #4 above. Holding accounts, or grudges, means that you’ve positioned yourself against your spouse. By definition, you can’t simultaneously hold a grudge and truly be on the same page, working to achieve the same goals. So remember that when you chose to marry your spouse, you made a decision then to be on his or her team.
I should add here that by no means am I claiming to be good at communicating with my husband. That’s a process that I’m always learning… and re-learning about. This is just a few of the things I have found to be helpful in our own communication.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
So true, Jocelyn. Definitely a learning process- but good communication definitely pays off! Good points- #4 is a big one!
Thanks, Kayla! #4 was a big turning point for me when i first realized it and i still need to be reminded of it regularly.